I see you, do you see me?
Have you ever been deep in conversation with someone and suddenly caught yourself copying their body language, tone, phrasing—or even their accent?
Perhaps you realize that you’ve also crossed your legs and leaned forward with your hands clasped like them. Or perhaps you find your humour becoming more sarcastic and the pace of talking a little faster to fit with theirs.
This is called mirroring, and it’s a very natural behaviour. It's most likely programmed into us as an evolutionary quirk designed to help us fit in with a group and put each other at ease. Subtle and natural mirroring can be a hugely effective way to show you’re listening and engaged, improving communication and deepening your connection with whoever you’re talking to.
Studies show that mirroring can build trust and deepen interpersonal bonds, not only when it happens naturally in our personal and social relationships, but also when people consciously use it in negotiations.
When to use mirroring in the workplace:
Adjusting the volume of your voice to match that of the person you’re talking to (so, not raising your voice if they’re speaking quietly) can help put someone at ease and demonstrate (subconsciously) that you’re being considerate of their needs, as we often have our own personal volume comfort zones.
Considering someone’s facial expressions and adjusting our own accordingly—not mimicking someone’s expression, but making a sympathetic expression instead of grinning if they’re sad, or reflecting back a warm smile if they’re smiling at you, for example—can show you’re aware of someone’s mood and listening attentively.
Waiting until someone has finished talking, and then paraphrasing or summarizing what they’ve said to make sure you’ve understood correctly can help to show you’ve truly heard and taken on board what they’re trying to communicate. This kind of verbal mirroring is an important part of active listening.
How not to use mirroring in the workplace:
Overdoing any form of mirroring, whether that’s copying a gesture or verbal tick that’s unique to someone, or repeating their words back at them in an unnatural way, will come across as inauthentic, irritating, and will make people feel self-conscious—they might even think you’re making fun of them.
Mirroring negative body language like crossing your arms, sighing, or rolling your eyes can increase the potential for conflict; remember to let your own values guide you and to be your own person in any interaction. Mirroring isn’t about mimicking whatever you see someone else doing and losing a sense of your individuality or autonomy; it’s about being aware of your surroundings and sensitive to the needs of others.
Overthinking mirroring and paying more attention to the outward appearance or little details of someone’s body language and voice rather than actually taking in the substance of what they’re saying is clearly missing the point of using mirroring as a tool for effective communication. If in doubt, just forget mirroring and focus on listening well and empathizing with what someone’s saying.
Experiment, pay attention to yourself and others when we're aware - we're engaged. Deep listening is the most natural way to develop a healthy practice of mirroring. You got this.
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